it's all beeyooteefool -





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alena. girl. christian.
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yciss-nygh-HCI(jc)
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14 Jan 1991
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& austria
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November 15, 2009
@6:18 PM

what is the point, then, of being the leader of a group of people you do not love, nor prioritize, nor care enough to spend time with?

what is your purpose of organising something for them, when you cannot be bothered to cast aside another area of your life for a few hours to get to know them and understand them and talk to them beyond what needs to be done for your event to be successful?

angry, yes i am, and very. because i love those people.
& i embraced the world;




October 10, 2009
@10:53 PM

today during p&p worship prac i was suddenly flooded & reminded of God's amazing blessings :)

for block test 1, i was chocked full with band pracs for syf, H3 test, & worship pracs (still leading p&p then); for block test 2, the weekend before the bulk of the papers, i was occupied the whole saturday and >half of sunday doing youth sunday stuff; for prelims, i neglected some subjects and slacked off quite occasionally doing things like going to the airport and camping in front of the comp to sound horns (mousehunt).

yet God has proven amazingly faithful, and while my results aren't stellar, they're more than i deserve and i truly truly am thankful beyond words.

throughout this year there's been so many times that i've strayed, so many things that i've been distracted by. i can't even begin to count the number of times i've led or played for worship and felt like a freaking hypocrite because i'm telling ppl to not do the very things i've committed. there's even some really shameless moments that i count the number of hours i spend in church a weekend (7-10 hrs) and calculate that if i spent it studying instead i might get more As.

but God is God, and He has pulled me through. He who sees all my horrible thoughts and shameful deeds, He has still showered me boundlessly with blessings and love. sometimes when even i can't stand myself, He reaches out His hand to hold mine, to touch my heart. He offers His embrace, and even His shoulder for me to cry on.

how do our human words: awesome / amazing / wonderful / magnificent etc even vaguely begin to describe Him? i think chris tomlin got it best when he said 'indescribable, incomparable' :)

i don't know what i will get for As, but above all, i know that He will be with me as i strive to run this last mile in my JC life. that He is the one who will cheer me on, offer me water, wipe my sweat away. whatever the wretched piece of paper that i get in Feb/Mar '10 says, i really hope that i will be at peace, because it is all in His plan, & because He knows my future.

thank You, Lord :)


'My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken.' Psalm 62:1-2
& i embraced the world;




September 2, 2009
@11:29 PM

if i find in myself desires
nothing in this world can satisfy
i can only conclude i was not meant for here

speak to me in the light of the dawn
mercy comes with the morning
i will sigh and with all creation groan
as i wait for Hope to come for me

for we, we are not long here
our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
and i, i was made to live,
i was made to love, i was made to know You
Hope, is coming for me
Hope, He's coming

-------------------------------------------------------------

c.s.lewis song, brooke fraser :)
& i embraced the world;




July 5, 2009
@11:17 PM

youth sunday's over :(

although it was really stressful & pracs took up a lot of time & everything clashed with blocks, but i guess i'm quite sad tt it's over! esp kuz after this i prob won't be doing much leading & playing for worship until after my As, so yeah. SWAN SONG WORH.

it was a really memorable youth sunday though and thanksgiving goes to:

1) God :) for everything!

2) my worship team!
i love you guys okay although i make a lot of noise when you all come late and throw tantrums at you randomly. but thanks for just sticking it out with all the pracs: ivan who has projects; hj who might have h1n1; samantha who has Os; elijah who ... aiyah you slack idiot. oh also hazel for harmonising amazing grace; and aletheia for learning 'Our Father' in Db when i forgot to sing it :/

3) the dancers for youth item
really touched by e effort put in :) and super pretty larh bet the church was stunned hahahaha.

4) choral group aka YF!!
for coming down for e long prac, for coming to church at 7.45 am, for sounding so gorgeous and making a beautiful song take on even more meaning :)

5) auntie vicky, auntie april, pastor wesley, pastor james, random old uncle who stopped me in my tracks to say 'it was very nice', damien, jaclyn, daniel's mum, uncle john <3
it was just really really sweet to get that kind of encouragement :):)

6) jon lau
for the slides and sorry for being so demanding! lol. publicity ftw!

7) congregation:
for singing and worshipping, it's really awesome to see hands raised and to hear voices overpower mine thank you :)

8) kaiwen/daniel/reuben:
hahaha the permanent youths! kw, for photography and just being you; daniel, for doing sound for me and being fun to jam randomly with; and reuben for running up and down to find out if the communion table and pulpit can be moved hahahaha.

9) you:
for the barley-buying & just being there w/ me for everythingggg. & i'll step down le i promise! :)

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now i have no excuse to not mug :/
& i embraced the world;




June 21, 2009
@6:31 PM

and the only time i ever saw Him run ...

was when He ran to me
He took me in His arms
held my head to His chest
said 'my son's come home again'

lifted my face
wiped the tears from my eyes
with forgiveness in His voice He said
'Son, do you know i still love you?'

- 'when God ran', phillips craig & dean

:)
& i embraced the world;




June 7, 2009
@11:01 PM

amazing that the deepest joy and peace is found in the simple act of clasping my hands, closing my eyes and lifting my worries to You. that when nichole nordeman sang 'see the girl trembling by her father's side - she is why You must die' it felt like a thunderbolt because it is so awesomely unbelievable yet true. the King who became a servant, the lion who turned into the sacrificial lamb, the Creator who died for his creation ... the most beautiful paradoxes ever :)








& i embraced the world;




April 27, 2009
@11:01 PM

dawn; and the first vestiges of rays appear (beginning). with each expanding circle of light, the sleepy village rouses itself awake, gradually, gently (A). in the meadows, the flowers lift their heads in expectancy while the leaves spread themselves wider apart, fighting for the best space to catch the sun first, all this while the prisms continue streaking the sky, one by one, every colour revealing itself to be brighter, more beautiful than the one before (B). finally, the sun appears in full majesty, and all the people of the village open their doors and gaze out, awestruck, marvelling at the glory and power of the light radiating in every direction (C).

but the clouds and haze set in, hiding the sun from view, and in vain the children look upwards, squinting to see a glimpse of the light, but - nothing (D). faces downcast, the little village's population leave their houses to go about their daily lives, but rain starts falling, thunder cracks (E-M), and the village's in chaos as the storm threatens to tear down houses and uproot the plantations and fields that hold their livelihoods. in vain, the people run and try to hide. the sky grows darker still (N-O), and they try to fight, but the darkness overtakes them repeatedly (motif in P-Q) even as they put on their bravest fronts. in the end they collapse, dejected, despondent, desperate.

suddenly a ray of sunlight bursts through gently, like a miracle (R), and hope is renewed - the entire village falls on their knees, hands lifted as they pray in reverence and wonder (hymn). the clouds clear as a gentle breeze takes away the dust and remains of the storm, the sky turns blue again (S), the flowers turn their colourful faces upward to the light once more, and the people's faces are wet with tears of joy (T), even as they continue their praise and thanksgiving. Finally, the sun rises and makes its way to the highest point in the sky, illuminating the rest of the world, and the village sings its song of jubilation and victory (U-X).

hymn to the sun <3
& i embraced the world;